Learning to Love Ourselves

If I were to expand the title of this post, the full title would read, "Learning to Love Ourselves as Christ Loves Us."

I have always had trouble with loving myself. And I think it's accurate to say that many, if not most, people have that problem.

When I say we need to love ourselves more, I'm not referring to a superficial love or fascination with oneself. I'm talking about seeing the beauty in God's creation (creation being you and me) and truly appreciating it. As Christians, we're called to be humble (Ephesians 4:2; Romans 12:3; 1 Peter 5:5), but I think many of us struggle with walking the line between humility and self-deprecation.

Okay. It's time to be completely transparent with all of you. I have never liked the way I looked. Growing up, I was called "chicken legs," "buck-toothed," "ugly," the list goes on. I was constantly picked on for being small. And while that may not sound terrible, to a completely vulnerable, influential 6th grader who places entirely too much value on the words of other vulnerable, insecure 6th graders, when you're laughed at for having no butt and no boobs and "looking like a hairbrush" from either side, it stings. It stings quite a lot. Especially when all of those pubescent, hormone-raging 6th grade boys, whose opinions I also held in high esteem, would join in the teasing. Basically, as most of us already know, kids can be incredibly mean. However, all of the picking and derision, made me desire to be stronger, and I eventually found my confidence in the athletic arena - particularly in basketball and track. Then, I found a home on the stage, reveling in the fact that I could be anyone I wanted to be for a brief moment in time. It was an added bonus that the people laughing at me in the audience were doing so because they were supposed to.

In the years since school, even through all of my theatre adventures, I maintained a passion for being physically fit. I loved it when friends would ask me to help them work out, and eventually decided to become a certified personal trainer so I could help others reach their fitness goals. I worked at Gold's Gym and Fitness Trainers to Go before becoming a fitness boot camp instructor. The big thing that I have come to realize, though, is that while my desire to help others was and is pure and for good reasons, my personal reasons for working out were all out of whack. I was constantly comparing myself to others - what they looked like, the kind of shape they were in, etc. - and would make a goal to have legs like that girl, or abs like this one. It was about others. I was never happy with how I looked. It even got to the point where I drastically reduced my caloric intake. (This was before I became a personal trainer. The trainer in me would have kicked the anorexic-girl-in-me's butt for mistreating her body in such a way. In fact, this was long before I got married 7 ago.) It's true, though. I quit eating, with the exception of one small meal a day. I remember one evening, I was hanging out with friends and they ordered pizza. I had a few slices, and felt so sick about it I went outside to stick my finger down my throat. (This is something I've never told anyone. My family doesn't even know.) I couldn't follow through with it, thankfully, but the point is, I tried.

While the not eating part only lasted for a short time, my body image took a while to get right. So, I know what it is like. I know what it's like to not be happy with yourself. I know what it's like to want to change so badly, you are willing to do whatever it takes to see those changes. It makes my desire to want to help people reach those goals in a healthy and safe way even stronger. I know people who take diet pills, others who try every fad diet that comes along, and others who workout for 2 or 3 hours a day. There are risks with diet pills; there are risks with fad diets; and, if you're not eating enough of the right food to replenish your calories after a grueling gym session, there are risks to working out 3 hours a day.

Several years ago, I had the true pleasure of attending something called Cursillo. Basically, I and a few other members of my church went to a weekend retreat where we worshipped, communed, studied, played games, and were served. Truly, I did not lift a finger on this weekend ... except to consume the endless supply of fudge. All of the volunteers cater to your every need because they want you to know what it is like to be loved and served. And, they get to experience the immense joy found in serving others in Christ's name. It was a beautiful, peace-filled, joyful weekend that I will always cherish. On the last day, one of the speakers tried to ingrain in us the following: "You are a precious child of an awesome God." You are a precious child of an awesome God. Shall I say it again? You are a precious child of an awesome God.

It is easy to forget. We live in a world consumed with physical beauty. It saturates us from the magazine racks at every grocery store and gas station; to the lingerie stores at the mall boasting posters of half-naked, rail-thin supermodels; to television and movies where even rugged detectives look like they just stepped out of a fashion magazine. Those images work their way into our subconscious and eat away at any self-confidence we might have. I've known Jesus since I was a little girl, but I still struggled because I kept losing sight of, or forgetting altogether, that I am a precious child of an awesome God and in His eyes, I'm beautiful just as I am. If only we had His eyes.

Fast forward to today. I am a 33 year-old mommy to a 3 year-old little boy. I work a full-time job, a part-time job, and am trying my best (failing miserably at times) to keep my family well-fed and our house clean. I am a certified personal trainer and boot camp instructor. I don't work out everyday because the time just doesn't allow, but I am happier and more confident now than I have been in a long time. Why? Because I've relinquished control to God. I used to get so frustrated when I didn't have time to go for a run or get in a workout. Now, if I only have time for either spending time with God in prayer or study, OR getting in a weight routine - I choose Jesus. There are times, I fail and put my workout first. I confess that here and now. But, I will keep working on putting Him first. For years, I was in great shape and miserable on the inside. Now, because of my relationship with Jesus, and accepting and loving the vessel He gave me, I'm happy from the inside out. Even if I miss working out two days in a row, I will not fret and get bent out of shape. I have found, and with the Lord's help will keep, a healthy balance.

This is why I started the Facebook page, Refining Fitness. (I invite you to find it on Facebook and "like it.) I want to help others find that healthy balance. I want to make sure that, whatever their fitness goal may be, they are doing it for the right reasons, and not because of some false ideal seen on the front page of a magazine. I want them to love themselves first and see the beauty in how God made them. And, I want to make sure that fitness itself doesn't become a type of false god, taking priorities over their well being, their family's well being or, most importantly, their relationship with God. Refining Fitness - we refine our physical bodies through working out and clean eating, and we let God refine our souls. A complete fitness... from the inside out.

I will struggle. You will struggle. We all will. But, we can support one another and remind each other that we are precious children of an awesome God ... and that is a beauty that can't be found in any gym.